Choices and Confrontation
Posted: Monday, July 20, 2009
by Robin Newman
Robin J
I was taught to be passive, to give in rather than make waves. Some of this is the messages we get as women and some comes from being a wounded child. When you live in an environment where opening your mouth is a dangerous thing to do you soon learn to keep it shut.
Basically I learnt from an early age my opinion didn't count, it wasn't worth anything, children should be seen and not heard, nice girls don't argue and so forth. You get the picture in fact a lot of you probably have the same one.
In the last year I have been called confrontational, which by the way is a very easy word to throw about to avoid confrontation. I have stepped on toes, spoken the words which everyone else wanted to stay unspoken and I have generally made more waves than a rough wind across an Australian beach.
But most importantly I have learnt a few life lessons along the way such as;
People may not want to or be able to hear what you say.
Sometimes before you speak it is prudent to listen.
Assumptions need to become facts before they are spoken.
The sword of truth is double edged what is your truth may not be someone else's.
These are only a few of the things you have to grasp to have healthy interactions and conversations with others. You also have to recognize you don't know someone until you have sat down and listened to their story. Which is why the situation not the person needs to be the focus of any conflict or argument. I can talk about me and how it makes me feel but I cannot talk about you and how it makes you feel.
I can tell someone what I want to see this doesn't necessarily mean they will change their choices to accomodate me though. Then it becomes a choice for us, am I going to get what I want by doing what I am doing? And sometimes no matter how polite, compromising and respectful we are, the other person still might keep doing what they are doing. Which then becomes a 'do I fight on or do I let go and let God' moment.
The worst thing for most people is the realization people may not like you if you speak up. Bottomline for me is if you cannot respect my right to have a different opinion to you then you are not someone I want in my life anyway. Any relationship is going to have conflict whether it be marriage, friendship, family or work. The people I want around me are those who will challenge my opinion when they think I am wrong and listen to mine when I think they are wrong. Which is where the word humility comes into it. You have to be able to give an inch, you have to be able to shift your position, you have to be open to what others are saying and you have to be humble enough to admit when you got it wrong.
If someone shows me something I didn't know I don't have any problem going "okay I can see where I made a mistake in thinking what I did." This doesn't make me less it makes me more. Alternatively I don't have any problem saying "I still don't see your postion on this so we will have to agree to disagree."
Its all about respecting each other, standing up for what we believe in but allowing others the same right. I admit I haven't mastered it yet sometimes my emotions and past trigger me and I get a little 'reactive' instead of 'proactive'. I don't beat myself for being human but let go and move on and try to do better next time. But again I have to be prepared to listen as much as I am prepared to speak even when the words may be something I don't want to hear.
We all have different belief systems, ways of thinking about stuff, ways of doing things. This does not mean anyone is necessarily right or wrong. Most of us are blissfully unaware of how our words and actions are impacting others until they speak out. I find most people will go "I had no idea you felt that way."
So don't be afraid to make a few waves, have a voice or speak of concerns you have. Just remember to;
Attack the issue not the person
Have an open mind and heart
Respect the right of others to their opinion
Not become a slave to your emotions but a master of them come from a place of peace and calm
It is the voices of the people which have changed and created history not their silence.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)hi robin,ditto on all.i believe the same way, and i also lose it sometimes, but at least it's not everyday as it once was, living in the same environment growing up.i had to learn my own self esteem, and all the other things you mentioned.practice, not perfect.thanks for this article,my best regards,sueMy friend informs me this is part of menopause where you sudddenly go 'enough already' lol. I personally wish I had taught people how to treat me better a long time ago :o)
Hi Robin.It's not just a female curse, but that is primarily where it lies. I grew up the same way and it could just be that menopause has brought out the more assertive in me. But I do think that everyone, old or young or in between, at some point gets tired of letting others push them around and of always giving in for the sake of avoiding confrontation. I'm really no good at all at confrontation, but I keep trying. :)I don't think that speaking up ever hurts (had you asked me about that twenty years ago I might answer differently). Sure, you have to be aware of other's feelings, but as they say it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. And if the person you are speaking up to just can not allow you your point of view or how you feel, then quite possibly they are not the person for you to associate with. I would rather surround myself with people who will allow me to be different from them. I extend the same courtesy to all those I know.Well, anyway, you got me to thinking and I had to let out some of my thoughts. This is a well written and thoughtful article; full of truth and inspiration.Respectfully,Dianne
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